Have you ever been torn between two loves? Two loves that were poles apart and yet similar in many ways? I was, most recently, and never believed that it would come to this!
T.J., one of the men, was the kind of “love” that comes along, but once in a lifetime! Yes, if you are 53 years old, you might have had a few of those rare experiences with these types of loves. In my lifetime, I know of three that I could speak of. The first one was when I was 17; the second one was when I was 29; and the current one swept my heart away last year, in ways that leave me breathless, this very moment!
At age 17, I was too young and messed up, emotionally and spiritually, to know how to receive that young man’s love and reciprocate it with mine. That love ended four years later, but remained alive in me for ten years.
At age 29, I came across the second rare love, but I was still too insecure about love to fully let go of the head games, bring down my walls and allow that fellow the chance to actually believe that I really did care about him. That crazy-kind-of-love lasted for 20 years, even through my marriage to someone completely wrong for me! That old love fizzled out when I finally realized just how wrong he, too, would have been for me had I ended up with him!
In both of those cases, those loves were the kind that actually did know how to reach and connect with, my soul; they actually knew me for me, for who I really was [hiding] in those days, and they hung in there, perhaps hoping that I come to my senses and, for once, enjoy the fruits of true love! But what did I know, except that this type of rare love terrified me, to the core, and just were too close for my comfort!
This go-around everything was different about me. By last year, I knew a thing or two about the kind of love, in a man, that is real, that does care, and that did prove it, without faltering in many areas, but a few critical ones. The thing of it was that, by then, I also was in a relationship with another love; a much deeper love, a much more stable and prominent love; and I just couldn’t drop him, to go and stay with T.J.
T.J. swept me off my feet, with his old-world charm and complete devotion to me; and he didn’t even mind that I was also deeply in love with who would become T.J.’s all-time competitor! T.J. hung in there this whole time; affording me the opportunity to see, and express, that his traits, his character, his way of loving people was much like that of my other Christ-like love. But I had to choose, one or the other; I simply couldn’t have both and really be happy and at peace, knowing that what I was doing, essentially was wrong; even though the other love knew about T.J. and accepted him for who he was!
My relationship with T.J., loving and perfect as it was, quickly began to grow… too close, for comfort. Every time we kissed…every time that we made love, a strange war would break out in my head, heart and spirit and leave me dumbfounded and dismayed, feeling awful about what I was doing to my other love and to my self!
Now, reading this, one would wonder why I even strayed from this other love, to go with T.J.? Was I lacking something in that relationship, which maybe caused me to “cheat?” That all I could answer is, Yes. No! Wait! Hear me out!
This other love was Jesus, the Christ; our Lord and Savior, to some of us! He’s the One that stood by, watching as I went through the most magical, precious, exceptional love, of all time, for me! He’s the One that I felt I was hurting, by my actions, that I felt I was wronging, betraying, and ignoring as I turned the cheek and went and bonded with T.J.
However, for as right as T.J. felt to me, T.J. also was very wrong for me! There were two things about T.J., two deep flaws about him, that I had no power to change within him! Things that only T.J. could come to terms with and see about improvement in those areas if he is to ever rejoin himself to me in the likes of how beautiful this love between us, was.
One, he professed, always, that he’s atheist, which crept me out in strange ways, given that I’m a Christian and know better what this means to Christ! And two; he also had bonded with a “other love” that also crept me out, because that one, murders; that one has too strong a hold on him, for him to even think clearly enough… to see her for who she really is and be done with it!
But my quandary is… how saddening life and love sometimes is, that, here, the perfect mate comes along, at what seemed was the right time, and I had to let him go! My heart, to pieces, is, torn today! My dreams, of this “perfect love,” all prove dashed! Crushed, I am, that I had to sever the strong tie with T.J., and move on, for I finally decided that this amazing love relationship, indeed, grew risky and too close for comfort!
Unusual, as it seems, and maybe even petty, to some folks reading this, I know that I’ll hardly ever, really get over: that the two loves, that I had to choose between, were Christ, the unseen Lord, and T.J. the touchable man. I will forever be astounded by this event so monumental and unique in my life; but I will forever also know Whose I really am, that loves me, unlike any other love ever could. …
Oh! I came back to say that this is where love, without attachment, is helpful, and comes into play.