GRACE HAS A MELTDOWN!

Chapter 7

I got a call from Grace; she’s devastated about something! I couldn’t make-out what she was saying, for she was blubbering so noisily and uncontrollably, that in my ear, it went something like this:

‘William! Imposter! Rob! Sisters!’ Oh, and: ‘Help… me…!’ followed by a deep groan.

I was like, what the heck is wrong with her? But then I said, “Okay, I’m on my way, Grace. I’ll be there in ten minutes!” And then I got stuck in TRAFFIC, with no way out of the jam, to get to her!

When I finally arrived at her townhouse [about an hour late!], I noticed that Huntsman’s painting wasn’t on the wall anymore, next to Grace’s picture. His was now on the floor, hidden near the table with the pretty flowers on it.

Also, I noticed that Grace seemed less distraught when she thanked me for coming. She, however, was seething with anger and didn’t hesitate to explain what’s caused it!

“Chris, the utter humiliation that I endured at the hotel is overwhelming! I went there looking for my boyfriend WILLIAM and found out that I was asking to speak with a DEAD MAN from the 1800s! The half-pint man that you saw in the portrait; whom I met on the airplane and thought was my new boyfriend; is a centuries-old character in the post-impressionist painting, Chris!” Grace hid her face in her hand and shook her head.

Shocked and amused by this, I gasped and quickly cupped my mouth and squeezed it hard, to prevent myself from laughing hysterically! It was hard not to laugh though, just the thought of it was too funny! I even turned around so Grace wouldn’t see me, and privately laughed my head off!

But Grace looked up and asked me if anything is wrong; because she could see my shoulders were bouncing and could hear that I was wheezing-up a storm! “I’m all right,” I tried to say! “I just need to go in my purse and have a shot of my INHALER!” It was true; I needed my inhaler, and that helped to pull myself together again!

Nevertheless, you had to see her FACE when she next told me that the “William” she met on the plane was actually some traveling CLOWN by the name of Robert Bisset, who portrays the flirtations of The ENGLISHMAN for audiences, worldwide! You think her face is all scowling and scary now, huh? You would’ve shitted your pants and run out the room—had you seen it contort, and twist & bend all out of shape! She looked like a horse’s face had become her!

Grace was fuming! She felt so conned by the fraudulent boyfriend, that for a moment she lost herself and was kicking & screaming all sorts of obscenities at this “ROBBER” as she put it, for tricking her! To be honest with you, I was afraid for her—and for myself, too!

So, I quickly jumped in and grabbed her by the shoulder. “GRACE!” I yelled, only to get swung side to side as I clung to her and hollered, “GRACE, GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, girl! —No man is worth all the tears and tantrums that you’re having! Snap out of it!” She flung me off her!

“Doofus Asswipe, the 3rd, DONE ME WRONG; then this IMPOSTER, Rob with no sisters—deceives me, and gets away with it! And I am left holding the bag… and don’t know where to HIDE MY FACE from the shame of it all!” Grace blushed as her head moves-about, seeking a place to hide her face!

I asserted, “Grace, there’s no need to hide your face. Besides, why would you want to hide your face? It isn’t your fault that some men choose bad behaviors over compassion and respect for people! How is that your fault? You haven’t done anything wrong, to be giving yourself such a beating, over these goons! Nothing! You did nothing wrong, Grace!”

“Yes, I did!” Said Grace, perplexing me. She then said, “Forget the men! Your words healed me just now from the negative effects those men were having on me. Shame on them. They no longer are my biggest problem!”

“Well, hallelujah,” I rang out!

“I agree with you there, Chris. However, I’m more concerned with and upset about the women in my life!”

“You mean the ones you had me decorate for…”

“Yes, those four women. I made a complete FOOL of myself when I invited them to come over and get a look at MY NEW BOYFRIEND! You weren’t here that day, Chris! You didn’t SEE the show of craziness that I put on for those four women, as I bragged about how IN LOVE I felt with William, and danced around them like some stiff BELLY-DANCER because I had a boyfriend. I heard through sources that all four of them know about that STUPID, antiquated PAINTING! And yet, when they were here as my guests, they congratulated me and said nothing else to me. They scarf-down their lunch like SAVAGES—before racing out of here like BULLETS going shot from a handgun! Now I know WHY they ate and ran so fast. They must’ve thought that I’m a lunatic and gotten themselves a good scare and laugh out of it! … Just like you’re doing right now!” said Grace.

She was right! Her story was bizarre, and she had me laughing and peeing, at the same time! “Grace, it’s just that you are too comical!”

“Thanks, at least you understand me! No, but really, Chris; I don’t know how I will ever live this one down! I can’t let those women assume the worst things about me! I need to do something, to rise from the MANURE, smelling like roses! You got any ideas?”

“Oh-my, Grace, that’s a tough one! You really made a mess with that one! …Give me a minute to think about it…”

“I know!” voiced Grace. “Listen to this idea and don’t interrupt me!” She said, and I laughed my OK!

“I’ll turn it around on them,” said Grace, mischievously. “I’ll tell them that I was ‘practicing’ the act; you know: ‘rehearsing’ for the show that I would be performing in, live, with none other than the renowned Bisset! …But… that I couldn’t reveal it to anyone because I was to.. only ‘assess’ the reactions of my substituted audience and not allowed to do a ‘spoiler alert’! What? Are they going to ask the liar Bisset if I’m lying? Oh please… that creep could be anywhere on the planet right now, and—he’s getting paid to lie to people! He did it to me. Right? So, even if he were to tell them the truth, he’s still known as a liar, regardless. Hence, for me, this is a win-win! So, what do you think, Chris, how’d that sound to you? You like it?”

“GRACE, that’s brilliant! I love it! I feel pleasantly surprised by you!”

“Good!” said Grace “I’ll schedule a dinner party and invite them back, and then I’ll sock it to them! And you, my dear friend, has to be present for the show!”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Grace! Count me in!”